"Kindergarten Cop" is a great movie. I really enjoy it even to this day. But as I watch this movie as an adult, there are several things that seem really strange. First off, Det. John Kimball disintegrates a couch with a shot gun, but that's really just the tip of the iceberg.
What the shit is the deal with this town? Astoria, Oregon is full of divorced women that are all apparently in heat. First, all the moms assume that Kimball is gay, because he is a kindergarten teacher (because no self respecting hetero would want to try and get kids on the right track from a young age). But as soon as John comes strolling in with his rippling biceps all the single moms are drenched and want nothing more than to get pounded out by this massive Austrian. I suppose that divorce is very prevalent all across the United States, but at one point the town is referred to as the "single parent capital". I'm supposed to believe that this sleepy little town in Oregon is the ravaged by divorce more so than let's say, LA or Chicago? I call bullshit. Not only that, but that all the divorced women want nothing more than to get down with a guy they just met 20 minutes ago. What terrifically responsible mothers. This dude's buddy is probably going to ransack your house while you're getting slayed, steal your valuables, and sell your kid on the black market.
Then there's the kids. At least 80% of the kindergarten aged kids are fucking weirdos. The one kid has a father who is a gyno, that tells him the ins and outs of the human anatomy on a daily basis. Which he feels the need to share with each new person that he meets. The creepy twins (who are the real life version of Cheri and Teri from The Simpsons) are informed by their mother that their father is "a real sex machine" Gross. I guess that's proof that not just the divorced women in Astoria thoroughly enjoy getting pounded out. There's the fat kid who thinks its OK to just get down on every other kids lunch (I've been a fat kid my whole life, and this have never seemed OK to me). One of the kids has bags under his eyes. What fucking 6 year old has enough stress in their life to cause them to not get enough sleep? This same kid is also obsessed with death and assumes Kimball's headache is caused by a brain tumor. Weirdo. How about the kid with the slutty mom who uses dolls to look up girls skirts? He's going to be a real winner! The rest of the kids just seem pretty creepy and gross. Except for the girl that was in "Beethoven", she's alright.
Finally, there's Crisp. He might be the worst bad guy ever. No one with that stupid of a pony tail has ever been a bad ass. Also, he's totally bangin' his mom (who is just the real life version of Cruella Deville). The guy just sucks in general. If I was going to use Richard Tyson (the actor who plays Crisp), it wouldn't be as a bad ass tough guy, he would play a child molester or rapist. He is probably both of those things now, because I haven't seen him in any move since.
The only thing I have no beef with at all in this movie, is Det. Pheobe O'Hara. She's a good egg.
If you want at another kids lunch you have to join in on the grade school lunch barter economy.
ReplyDelete(1) Hostess/Little Debbie Cake=bag of chips (or bag of chips + something else if you're trading a 2-cake package).
Bag of chips=pudding/jello
Capri Sun=two regular boring ass juice boxes, or a bag of chips.
1 sandwich=1 large slice of pizza.
Fruit or vegetables only tacked on to an existing trade, sort of like cap relief.