Having a mustache.

  I have the ability, like most men of my age, to grow facial hair.  Facial hair is great.  You can grow beards, mustaches, sideburns, mustaches connected to sideburns.  The list goes on.  I think though, for reasons I don't understand, my favorite facial hair I have had to date, is my current mustache.
  Now, the mustache that currently adorns the space between my nose and my mouth was grown as a motivator to lose weight.  I figured that since the mustache isn't the generally the most socially accepted form of facial hair for a 25 year old lad such as myself, I would punish myself by having one until my fat ass dropped 25 pounds.  And while I'm doing OK on my drive to make myself healthier (for now), I started to think that mustache as a motivator was kind of fucked up. 
  What the fuck is wrong with a mustache?  Great men throughout history have had mustaches (See:  Mike Ditka, Joel Quennville, Tom Selleck, Lemmy Kilmeister, Billy D Williams), but at some point the mustache became a symbol of depravity.  I attempted doing some google research on this, but was just linked to blogs about creepy mustaches and why women hate mustaches on young men.  WELL FUCK YOU WOMEN.  I am keeping this fucker until I see fit.
  There's an entirely different aspect to mustaches stereotyping;  the gay part.  Apparently at some point in history a ton of gay dudes thought it was a great idea to grow mustaches.  Maybe it was a thing to help them identify one another, I don't know.  All I know is that there's nothing gay about my mustache.  It's not a bigot or anything, it's probably friends with gay mustaches, it is just not gay itself.  I don't know, maybe it is gay.  Maybe after I go to bed it leaves my upper lip and goes clubbing on Halsted. 
  All I do know for sure is that I like my mustache.  I have had them in the past as jokes, or for "irony", but I've grown to think that I look OK with it.  As recently as yesterday I was referring to it as "my gross mustache", but I've had a change of heart.  It probably has something to do with my dad having a mustache my entire life.  My dad rules (that's another blog in and of itself), and if also having a mustache makes me more like him, great.  But I don't really give a fuck if people think I look creepy or weird, I like it.  I'm not trying to "bring the mustache back" or anything like that, but I'm not 86ing the thing because people don't like it. 

  So in summation, grow whatever facial hair your little heart desires.  I know I will.

Thoughts on "Kidnergarten Cop" 22 years later

  "Kindergarten Cop" is a great movie.  I really enjoy it even to this day.  But as I watch this movie as an adult, there are several things that seem really strange.  First off, Det. John Kimball disintegrates a couch with a shot gun, but that's really just the tip of the iceberg.
  What the shit is the deal with this town?  Astoria, Oregon is full of divorced women that are all apparently in heat.  First, all the moms assume that Kimball is gay, because he is a kindergarten teacher (because no self respecting hetero would want to try and get kids on the right track from a young age).  But as soon as John comes strolling in with his rippling biceps all the single moms are drenched and want nothing more than to get pounded out by this massive Austrian.  I suppose that divorce is very prevalent all across the United States, but at one point the town is referred to as the "single parent capital".  I'm supposed to believe that this sleepy little town in Oregon is the ravaged by divorce more so than let's say, LA or Chicago?  I call bullshit.  Not only that, but that all the divorced women want nothing more than to get down with a guy they just met 20 minutes ago.  What terrifically responsible mothers.  This dude's buddy is probably going to ransack your house while you're getting slayed, steal your valuables, and sell your kid on the black market.
  Then there's the kids.  At least 80% of the kindergarten aged kids are fucking weirdos.  The one kid has a father who is a gyno, that tells him the ins and outs of the human anatomy on a daily basis.  Which he feels the need to share with each new person that he meets.  The creepy twins (who are the real life version of Cheri and Teri from The Simpsons) are informed by their mother that their father is "a real sex machine"  Gross.  I guess that's proof that not just the divorced women in Astoria thoroughly enjoy getting pounded out.  There's the fat kid who thinks its OK to just get down on every other kids lunch (I've been a fat kid my whole life, and this have never seemed OK to me).  One of the kids has bags under his eyes.  What fucking 6 year old has enough stress in their life to cause them to not get enough sleep?  This same kid is also obsessed with death and assumes Kimball's headache is caused by a brain tumor.  Weirdo.  How about the kid with the slutty mom who uses dolls to look up girls skirts?  He's going to be a real winner!  The rest of the kids just seem pretty creepy and gross.  Except for the girl that was in "Beethoven", she's alright.
  Finally, there's Crisp.  He might be the worst bad guy ever.  No one with that stupid of a pony tail has ever been a bad ass.  Also, he's totally bangin' his mom (who is just the real life version of Cruella Deville).  The guy just sucks in general.  If I was going to use Richard Tyson (the actor who plays Crisp), it wouldn't be as a bad ass tough guy, he would play a child molester or rapist.  He is probably both of those things now, because I haven't seen him in any move since.
  The only thing I have no beef with at all in this movie, is Det. Pheobe O'Hara.  She's a good egg.

Attainable baller goals for 2012

If you know me, you know that I really like rap music.  Being a white dork from the suburbs doesn't really allow me to act like a baller all that much (the fact that I don't make millions of dollars probably doesn't help either).  But after having a discussion with my mans Dan Kricke, I decided to make a list of things that are moderately baller that I can achieve this year.  These aren't really in any particular order, and I'll probably add to it as I go along.

1)  Pop a bottle of champagne in a bar that's going nuts while "Ima Boss" plays loud as fuck.

2)  Be fat and have mad bitches be all over me.  This will involve going somewhere stupid and taking as much cash out of my bank account with out bankrupting myself.

3)  Wear a dress shirt, open, with no undershirt and a giant chain.  I'm assuming I can buy a chain and return it the next day, as long as I don't ruin it.

4)  Beat someone up while a Dipset song plays in the background.

5)  Smoke weed in a luxury automobile.

6)  Go to an expensive restaurant, totally not in dress code and not get let in.  Only to make the Matre D look like an asshole after flashing a shit load of thuggin' money (building engineers are total thugs, trust me). 

7)  Have a party in a penthouse suite of a fancy hotel.

8)  Have sex in a limo.

9)  Eat lobster for breakfast.

10)  Get a candid photo taken with someone who is actually a baller.

Hot babes, man.

  Woooooooooomeeeeeeeennnnnn be shooooooooooppin'!  That's not really what the tone of this blog is going to be, I just like quoting Dave Chappelle as "Reggie".  My dear friend Mr. A Elbows wrote a blog the other day concerning how much he enjoyed being male (this can be read here).  And boy howdy is he right, but there are different aspects of women that I started to thing about.  Mainly, how strange the existence of a hot lady must be, and how different it is than my own.
  For starters, being like a fat dude or whatever is probably the opposite of being a hot lady, so I have no idea what that must be like.  I can't even imagine what it's like to be leered at by dudes, because I know what goes on in their heads.  It's been said a million times, by a million different people, but it's all terrible (the thoughts in a mans head, that is).  But every gross dude on the bus, that hasn't showered in four days, is thinking about getting you in the sack.  How awkward.  I don't think I would like that.       
  Another negative, is you're a prime candidate to end up in some creeps basement chained to a radiator.  That will never fucking happen to me.  Ever.  Now that I'm a grown man, I'll never be kidnapped.  But as a lady, you never know.  That guy that's really nice to you at the pharmacy sure has easy access to sleeping pills, and your medical records.  Maybe he mixes up your Allegra with a couple of 'ludes.  Maybe he follows you home.  Maybe you wake up in a warehouse in Stickney tied to a desk chair.  This is not a likely scenario, but you never know.  All I'm trying to get at is that I won't ever have to worry about this.  I'm a large man that is moderately attractive at best, no one has any use for me in that capacity.  Also, I don't plan on going to Central/South America or eastern Europe so I can probably rule out getting kidnapped for my organs (joke would be on them though, no one would want my shitty organs). 
  There's the whole clothing/makeup ordeal as well.  This was all stated perfectly by Mr. Elbows in the link I provided above, so I won't really go into much detail.  However, I will say that the sheer amount of clothing a hot fashionable babe must have boggles the mind of a guy who wears plain t shirts to every occasion.  I once asked a female friend of mine if she and her friends bought new dresses for each night they went out to do something in Vegas.  Her answer was yes.  I was blown away.  I probably shouldn't be putting myself on blast, but I have like 4 shirts.  If one were to look at photos of me taken at parties or other occasions where one would dress up, some minor detective work would reveal to you that I wear the same 4 shirts whenever I want to look "nice".  That shit won't fly in the female community.  All the catty broads in the neighborhood would be shit talking you so hard your ears would explode. 
  Among the negative things that I have mentioned, there are indeed positives.  Mostly, you can generally do whatever the fuck you want, people are nice to you for no reason, and people will listen to what you have to say, no matter how fucking retarded it is.  Now, not every attractive woman is a dumb idiot that takes advantage of people, I'm just saying you can. 
  I've seen pretty ladies get away with shit at bars that I would get tossed out on my head for.  Cutting in line, going in the opposite sexes bathroom, yelling at staff members, and all manner of other impolite behaviors.  But, because the ownership wants the illusion of attractive people attending their establishment, they are allowed to behave in such a way.  If more attractive people are in a place of business, the unwashed masses such as myself are more inclined to give said business their patronage. 
  There's really not much to the fact that people are nice to attractive individuals, particularly ladies, they just are.  Not always, I guess (if you're an ugly jerk you might be mean to someone that's pretty),  but most of the time.  I guess people (men mostly) think that if they are nice, this attractive lady will let them in their circle and that will lead to untold pleasures.  I think sometimes even another women will have this illusion in their head.  The pleasures aren't the same as they would be for a man, but maybe this lady will invite you to go clubbing with her gaggle of other hot babes.  I don't know, I can only speculate. 
  As far as people listening to hot ladies, it really all just relates to the other two reasons I just mentioned.  For example, the other night at a bar I listened to a girl talk about her job, and dog for like 20 minutes, because she was cute.  I'm thinking; "Hey, I'm being attentive, showing interest.  This is going somewhere."  Well, we finished our conversation and walked inside, where she proceeded to kiss her boyfriend on the mouth.  Whatever, he's probably an asshole.  Point being, if some random dude started talking to me about the very same subjects, I would have smiled and nodded for as long as it took me to finish my cigarette and walked inside. 
  I don't know what any of this is supposed to mean.  I was just thinking about it.  Shut up.

Friends

  Today I was looking at a friend from high schools Facebook page.  It's not at all important who, but really what about their page got me to thinking about the idea of making friends.  This person went far away from home for college (a whole other state, time zone etc).  In college, it's easy to make friends.  You're almost forced to.  Whether it's out of mutual hatred for your roommate, or just a shared love of Early Times whiskey, you're going to find someone to hang out with.  But the part that got me thinking, was the fact that after college, this person then moved to an entirely new city, in another state for work. 
  For some people, that might sound like a terrific idea.  A chance to totally reinvent oneself (hell, people do that in college).  If that's what you want to do, more power to you.  But it sounds fucking terrible to me.  There are differences in how I think and act today, but I'm essentially the same dude I was at 14 years old.  I'm OK with it.  Seems like a lot of work to come up with some idea of this "cool" dude you want to be.
  Back to my original point...making friends as an adult, post college.  It's a totally foreign concept to me.  I don't try and make friends with people.  I am friendly, and a generally polite guy so I tend to become friends with people naturally.  But I certainly don't try.  That's the key difference, trying.  If you move to a totally new place, you have to seek out friends, introduce yourself to people, try and find a common ground with your fellow man.  Bleech, sounds awful.  I suppose you can choose to say "fuck it", and just see who happens to like you enough to stick around.  But I don't know anyone who's that anti social.
  There is one key reason I don't try to make new friends:  I don't have to.  I have friends.  Good ones.  I'm not saying this in an "I'm so fucking cool, I got hella friends" type of way.  I'm just saying I'm fortunate enough to have people in my life that have been around for a long time.  Most of the guys I hang around with I've known since grade school.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sure, meeting new people is cool, and some of them become friends along the way, but knowing I can be a total dick and just not talk to anyone at a party or bar is a comforting feeling.
  I don't want to come off sounding like I'm some kind of recluse, and truthfully to anyone that knows me, this probably sounds hypocritical.  I love talking to people.  I will talk to just about anyone, anywhere about anything.  Give me six beers in short order, and I'm like a goddamn tornado of socializing.  But the fact of the matter is I don't HAVE to be.  And that's nice.  If you're my friend, and you read this, thanks.