College visits: A mini vacation.

  Here I sit, a 26 year old man with a rather enjoyable life.  I'm mostly glad to be a grown up, really.  Sure I complain about shit, but really the idea that I can do whatever the hell I want sure beats being 15 and at the mercy of someone with a drivers license.  However, there is one thing I really miss from the ages of 18 to 23;  visiting people at college.  It was like a mini vacation, a break in the monotony of my job and life at home.  A chance to go somewhere 3 hrs away and act like a total asshole for two nights, without having to worry about running into people that know my parents.

  The first time I went and visited someone at another college, I was actually away at school myself.  Millikin University was a short trip down ILL 72 to Champaign/Urbana, and I hopped on board with some other guys that were headed there. A lot of people I knew were at U of I and I figured it was a good chance to see some people I hadn't in a few months.  Millikin is a small school, so the first time I went to Champaign was a bit overwhelming.  Just the amount of people, how much nicer my friends dorms were, and, the fact we could actually go to bars was shocking.  I was blown away that all we had to do was pass back the same ID of person that looked nothing like us, and boom, we were in.  Drinking Red Bull and vodka, shots with stupid names, and whatever other garbage 19 year old's drink.  It was great. 

  The next place I really remember visiting was Bradley University.  This was a bit of a different experience because my good friends that went there were in a fraternity.  It's a bit of a different way to party, when you're loosely attached to people in a fraternity.  Generally their brothers treat you really well and you reap a lot of the benefits (chicks, booze, drugs etc) they do.  Bradley was more of a house party scene when we were younger, and it was still great. 

  By the time I was visiting Bradley, my brief but glorious college career had ended.  I continued going to school, but I was at home and going to community college.  With my good friend Will at my side, we started to go on as many college weekend visits as we could.  It was an escape from our totally boring lives.  Seriously, being 19 and 20 while attending school at home is fucking brutal. I can only speak for myself, but I know without Will to go to concerts, drive around and smoke cigarettes with, and tip back brews when we could get 'em, between school visits, I don't know what the fuck I would have done.  

  Things went on like this for our under age years, and they were great.  But I think once we all turned 21, college visits became even better.  You could do all the same stupid stuff, but there was no chance of getting a drinking ticket.  It was like a double bonus.  Plus, by this time everyone lived in an apartment or house, so there was even more freedom to a guy that lives with his parents.  With people in their own places, I was able to wake up earlier than all of them (I worked full time at this point, so I was used to getting up before noon) and smoke weed in the family room.  Something I certainly was not able to do at home.  

  That may have been my favorite part of college visits.  The Saturday after a night of drinking.  Everyone in their pajamas, casually drinking beers all day, sharing stories from the night before, all in preparation to do it again that night.  I remember one time a guy that lived with my friends had brought his sister, who was still in high school to visit for a Friday.  My friends and I were all partaking in the aforementioned Saturday behavior, while she was terrified in her brothers room.  She would only come out to go to the bathroom or get something to drink.  After she closed the door to her brothers room, one of my friends says; "The Asian kids from the brochure are nowhere to be found, this is real college."  This resulted in uproarious laughter and a memory I will have til I'm dead.  

  By the time my friends and I were all 22 or 23, college visits were at their peak.  Between visiting my friend Sean and all the guys he lived with at Bradley, and my 6 buddies that lived together at U of I, it was a guaranteed awesome time.  This isn't even including the schools I visited on a much less frequent basis (Iowa, Illinois State and Western Illinois).  But the Bradley and U of I visits for whatever reason, hold the most memories for me.  But that's not to say I didn't have amazing times at other schools.  

  One particular U of I party comes to mind whenever I think of the glory days of college.  A ton of people showed up.  And things were going great.  But like great college parties do, things got out of hand.  A friend who shall remain nameless decided to throw a Lay-Z-Boy into the front yard, while other friends proceeded to beat the shit out of the innocent chair.  In celebration, the guy who threw the chair, straight up Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the front window to their own apartment.  The cops happened to driving by at that exact moment.  This lead to scattering, interrogation, but surprisingly, no tickets.  However, it wasn't all seashells and balloons.  Someone stole my favorite Bears sweatshirt and I haven't seen it since.  

  This was par for the course on a good college visit.  Something wild happening with no real consequences, thus resulting in a great story.  Once at Bradley, my friend and I and all his roommates came home after the bar, and just started hitting each other with steel chairs and and empty water cooler bottles.  We woke up the next day unscathed and full of laughs from our stupidity.  I would have to write a novel to describe the all the great times I've had at various schools, but this is just to maybe help some other later 20's people remember a time that they enjoyed.  

  Visiting people at college is something that is gone forever for me.  At least in the way that I'm describing it. But I will always remember how exciting the drives down were, and how awful (especially in the winter) the rides home could be.  The idea that you will be able to walk just about anywhere you needed to go on a party weekend has been replaced by cab rides and L stops, but dammit if I won't always remember it.



Note:  I spent many a great night at North Central College, but I don't lump that under the "college visit" category.  It was 30 minutes away and we were there so often, it was more of just an awesome thing to do on the weekends.

  

House hunting: Touching a bunch of strangers stuff.

  For the last few months, I've really been trying to find a house.  I won't bore you with the details of how completely aggravating the entire process is, and how it seems it will never end.  But, there is an aspect of it that I never really thought about until today: You more or less have a total window into how a complete stranger lives, and access to their things.

  I have looked at a lot of houses, and I can't tell you how many have been vacant, left to rot foreclosures.  It is a window into the last months of what I can only assume is a desperate home owner scrambling to get by, then just saying "FUCK IT", and start ripping out all of the cabinets.  There's generally holes in the walls, missing plumbing fixtures, animal fur all over the place, etc.  Now, there are homes taken care of by the bank and/or Realtor that are quite presentable.  But for everyone of those there are six total shit holes.  It's sad really.  At one point a family lived there, just like mine or yours.  At some point something went terribly wrong.  Maybe they were given a loan they shouldn't have been.  Maybe the breadwinner lost their job.  Whatever the case, they lost their house.  That has to be crushing.  But whatever, fuck 'em.  I'm getting a cheap house out of the deal so hooray for me.  

  What is even more strange, is looking at a house that is currently occupied.  A lot of the time they people clear out so you don't have to see them.  But even so, you're just traipsing around a total strangers house, with access to just about every aspect of their private lives.  If one was so inclined, you could basically have a dick party in a total strangers sock drawer.  If that's the sort of thing you're into.  There has to be people out there that get off on that sort of thing.  Their realtor is downstairs filling out paperwork.  Meanwhile, this guy is balls deep is some poor strangers loofah because he; "had to go check out the upstairs one last time".    Sort of a gross, but plausible thing to consider.

  One thing I did not consider, however, was how big of slobs some people selling their house would be.  I kind of assumed they wanted their houses to be as presentable as possible.  But there are some people that clearly do not give a shit.  Dirty dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor, general kitchen grossness.  You're trying to move a product you lazy asshole, make it look pretty for me.  It's just sort of shocking to me that people have that level of not giving a fuck in them.  

  A lot of the time the messiest houses have the owner on site while you look.  So you have to see the slob that is trying to make you buy their crumby house.  When the people are home, dirty house or not, looking at a house sucks.  You can't make remarks about how awful they have decorated, or really get into being a critical jagoff you need to be to look at a house.  It's really awkward.  

  Looking for a house stops being fun after about a week.  But, if you're bored and want to see how a bunch of strangers live, pretend you're in the market, and go hunting.  It's really the only legal way to dive into the deep end of a multitude of people's personal belongings.  Who knows, you might meet a cool person along the way (I haven't yet).  Or a person that you are totally convinced is a serial killer (I have).

  

  

  

Things I see on the internet that make my brain hurt.

  For every thing I find on the internet that brings me enjoyment, there are a plethora of things that make my blood boil with misplaced rage.  Anyone who has read any of my previous blogs can probably see that a lot of things in the world at large bother me more than they should.  But with that said, here are a few things I have seen on the internet machine that make my brain explode.

-In my journey through the world of internet based pornography, there's a trend I noticed that kind of blows my mind.  The women who star in these films (maybe the men too, but I doubt it) make Amazon.com wish lists of random items they would like for their fans to buy them.  AND PEOPLE FUCKING DO IT!  It's not enough that if you're at a point where you have seen their wish list, you have most likely paid money to watch them blow six dudes, but they want you to buy them a fucking sweatshirt too.  Now, I don't at all blame the women for taking advantage of getting free stuff.  Fuck, if someone wanted to buy me a bunch of new fishing rods and pairs of sneakers because they enjoyed my work, I'd take the fuck outta that.
  My main problem is trying to wrap my head around what the logic of the dudes that buy this stuff for porn stars.  They aren't going to fly to Ft. Wayne IN and fuck you, you stupid gomer.  You're being played for a sucker.  Knock it off!  You're making other dudes who watch porn look bad.  Save your money and get a classy escort.

-How have people not picked up on Facebook "like" viruses yet?  There's never anything good on the other end of a video that says; "You're never going to believe what she does next!  Click to find out!"  Also, do you really want to see a spider lay eggs in someones face?  If it looks sketchy, it probably is.

-Thirsty ass dudes on Facebook.  If you're going to take the time to come up with some thinly veiled sexual advance as a response to a girls dumb status about how she hates her job (EVERYBODY HATES THEIR FUCKING JOB), you're a mark.  Don't reward stupidity because you want to get your dick wet.  It makes the world a worse place to live.  I guess girls probably do this too, but I think they are smart enough to know how little effort they have to put in to enticing a guy to sleep with them.

-Pinterest.  I have never been on it, and I will probably never go on it, but I think it's dumb.  I find things I like the old fashioned way, BY LOOKING FOR THEM.

Things that I would like to see happen to people in commercials.

Often times while I'm watching TV I have a lot of thoughts running through my head.  Generally the thought is; "OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE COMMERCIALS."  So, here are a few things I would like to see happen to people in commercials I don't like.

1)  There's a Jimmy Johns commercial where a guy is in an air plane that is delayed for some reason or another.  Unfortunately for him, his seat is sandwiched in between two large men, making for an uncomfortable wait.  That is the first thing wrong with this commercial, the two guys.  Who the fuck are these guys supposed to be?  They have on these ridiculous "gangster" outfits that consist of graphic hoodies and sideways hats.  What?  Why?  Why can't they just be two big dudes?  Fuck whoever wrote this commercial.  Finally, the man in the uncomfortable situation decides the best remedy for this problem is ordering a sandwich from JJ's.  So, suddenly, there is a knock at the air plane door, and lo and behold a Jimmy Johns delivery girl with the guys Beach Club.  What I would like to see happen next, is the delivery girl get tackled by a TSA agent and tazed.  Then thrown in the can because she probably broke a fuck ton of laws getting on that tarmac and opening and air plane door after it was closed or whatever. 

2)  Taco Bell has an advertisement for their new Dorito tacos, in which a young man, probably close to my age drives over 900 miles in order to try said tacos.  Fuck that guy.  He is an embarrassment to my generation of human beings.  I eat fast food as much as anyone, but I would NEVER drive more than 5 minutes to get a taco from Taco Bell.  What I would like to see happen in this commercial, is the car filled with this asshole and his friends drive off a goddamn cliff.

3)  Anyone in the AT&T commercials that says something like; "That was so 10 seconds ago..." should get hit in the head with a hammer.  Don't fucking talk to me like that.  I asked you a question.  I'm a grown ass man and I expect you to answer me like one.

4)  I hope something generally bad happens to the T Mobile girl.  I don't like her, and I don't really have a good reason.

5)  Match.com can go eat a dick too.  The people in those commercials are not using online dating.  They look far too attractive and successful.  People that use dating sites are, well, people like me.  I hope each and everyone of those beautiful people end up married and in horrible relationships, but won't get divorced because they are Catholic. 

There's so much more television vitriol running through my veins, but I'll save it for another time. This all makes me seem like an angry hateful person.  I'm mostly not that.  TV just makes me angry.  I should probably watch less.

A letter to day drinking.

Dear Day Drinking,

You're just the tops.  This past Saturday I was able to become reacquainted with you, after some time apart.  It's getting closer to the time of year where we spend most of our time together.  So I look forward to sun drenched days of shot-gunning beers with no shirt on.  I know that's when you think I'm at my best.  Remember when I turned 20, and me and my friends taught you to swim?  We had just met and you were afraid at first, but you got the hang of it in no time.  As that summer went on, we hung out more and more.  My parents accepted our friendship, as well as your bond with my other friends.  I can't wait to continue our great relationship, and listen to Cubs games, eat a ridiculous amount of meat, probably end up sending some texts/making some phone calls we regret.  But hey, what's a good friend if you can't cause a little trouble with them?  I'll have my own house this spring or summer, and I can't wait for us to hang out there.  There will be a whole new world for us to explore.  Well, I have to get going.  Can't wait to see you again.

With love,

  Derek E Self

Pumping iron, bro.

  The last month I have been much more determined to get my health in order.  Not that I have something wrong with me, like a diagnosed disorder or something, I'm just tired of being fat.  So that being said, I have upped my normal once or twice a week trip to the gym to four or five.  Spending more time there, my disdain for other people has grown more and more each time.  Here are a few things that I think would make the gym less irritating:

1)  When you're in the locker room, don't take for-fucking-ever to do stuff.  Get changed and get the fuck out.  There's other people waiting to shower and get changed, and I don't really feel like standing there naked while you read your text messages from your shitty girlfriend who's probably cheating on you.

2) While most things in the locker room should be done quickly, with Navy Seal like precision, there is one thing you certainly shouldn't do fast: turn a corner.  There's fuckin' naked dudes in here man.  Bumping dicks with some guy is not on my list of things to do today.  So always make wide, deliberate turns when approaching corners. 

3) Don't worry about what the fuck anyone else is doing.  Don't look at my treadmill to see how fast I'm going, or what incline I'm at.  Mind your own fucking business.  Don't fucking eyeball me while I lift weights with a look on your face like; "That guy is big, but I can shoulder press more..."  I'm not there to impress you asshole.

4) While minding your own business, keep in mind the majority other people there are doing just that.  Don't do anything to draw attention to yourself, like scream really loud or something else fucking retarded.  If you do that, you're an asshole and I hope you get a knife in the dick.  Now, everyone, including myself, understands that if you're really exerting yourself, you might inadvertently let out some noise.  Fine.  But we all know that I'm talking about those jagoff's who bench 275 for three reps and scream like the just caught a golf shoe to the balls.

5) Respect other peoples space.  This is on the gym floor, and in the locker room.  Wait a goddamn second to move so you don't bump into me while I'm in the middle of a fucking exercise.  If there is room for you to leave an elliptical machine between us, don't go on the one right next to me.  Say excuse me when you need to get by (this goes for anywhere, including bars). 
  In the locker room, I think this is pretty self explanatory.  We're naked dudes, standing in close proximity to one another, give me a little breathing room.  If it's crowded, wait a minute for it to clear out, so we can have ample space to do what we need to do (people following #1 would help this greatly).

6) There's no reason for you to walk around with a duffel bag with all of your supplements, chalk, various straps and wristgaurds.  Get a goddamn locker.  Nobody thinks you're cooler because you went to GNC and bought NO Explode.  All your bag is going to do is make me trip and look like an asshole.

7) Finally, one for the laaaaaaaaaaaaadieeeeeeees:  Don't be attractive with a great butt and go on the treadmill directly in front of me.  Please.  It's distracting and I feel like a creep, because I have no choice but to look at it.

That's all I have for now.  As much as this makes me sound like I hate the gym, I'm really glad I'm back at it.  I feel physically and mentally better than I've felt in a while.  Hopefully people at the gym I go to stumble on to this and I won't have as many people to be irritated by.

Having a mustache.

  I have the ability, like most men of my age, to grow facial hair.  Facial hair is great.  You can grow beards, mustaches, sideburns, mustaches connected to sideburns.  The list goes on.  I think though, for reasons I don't understand, my favorite facial hair I have had to date, is my current mustache.
  Now, the mustache that currently adorns the space between my nose and my mouth was grown as a motivator to lose weight.  I figured that since the mustache isn't the generally the most socially accepted form of facial hair for a 25 year old lad such as myself, I would punish myself by having one until my fat ass dropped 25 pounds.  And while I'm doing OK on my drive to make myself healthier (for now), I started to think that mustache as a motivator was kind of fucked up. 
  What the fuck is wrong with a mustache?  Great men throughout history have had mustaches (See:  Mike Ditka, Joel Quennville, Tom Selleck, Lemmy Kilmeister, Billy D Williams), but at some point the mustache became a symbol of depravity.  I attempted doing some google research on this, but was just linked to blogs about creepy mustaches and why women hate mustaches on young men.  WELL FUCK YOU WOMEN.  I am keeping this fucker until I see fit.
  There's an entirely different aspect to mustaches stereotyping;  the gay part.  Apparently at some point in history a ton of gay dudes thought it was a great idea to grow mustaches.  Maybe it was a thing to help them identify one another, I don't know.  All I know is that there's nothing gay about my mustache.  It's not a bigot or anything, it's probably friends with gay mustaches, it is just not gay itself.  I don't know, maybe it is gay.  Maybe after I go to bed it leaves my upper lip and goes clubbing on Halsted. 
  All I do know for sure is that I like my mustache.  I have had them in the past as jokes, or for "irony", but I've grown to think that I look OK with it.  As recently as yesterday I was referring to it as "my gross mustache", but I've had a change of heart.  It probably has something to do with my dad having a mustache my entire life.  My dad rules (that's another blog in and of itself), and if also having a mustache makes me more like him, great.  But I don't really give a fuck if people think I look creepy or weird, I like it.  I'm not trying to "bring the mustache back" or anything like that, but I'm not 86ing the thing because people don't like it. 

  So in summation, grow whatever facial hair your little heart desires.  I know I will.